Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
