oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
