Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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