I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
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