I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
