He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
