He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
