You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
