Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i think my cat just said my name.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
