Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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