You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
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