Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
