I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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