I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
