I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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