In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
