peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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