just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
