8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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