I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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