Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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