i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
