I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
