I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
