I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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