I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
