i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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