Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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