Yo dont text me then not text me
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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