He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
