On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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