Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
