i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
