I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Did I show you my penis last night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
