thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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