Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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