Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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