I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
