I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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