I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
