Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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