I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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