Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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