Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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