Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
