It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
