Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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