Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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