What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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