some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
smell my finger.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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