I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
