i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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